How People Pleasing Harms Your Life and Roots in Childhood

We’ve all been there: saying “yes” to a favor we don’t have time for, laughing at a joke that stings, or hiding our true feelings to avoid conflict. People-pleasing might seem harmless even kind. Over time this habit can erode your mental health, relationships, and even your physical well-being.

Let’s explore why so many of us fall into this trap and how it often starts in childhood, as explained by experts like Dr. Gabor Maté. The Downside of Always Saying “Yes” People-pleasing isn’t just about being “nice.” It’s a survival strategy that comes at a cost:

1. Loss of Self-Identity: When you constantly prioritize others’ needs you lose touch with your own desires. Over time you might feel like a stranger to yourself unsure of what you truly want.

2. Chronic Stress: Suppressing emotions to keep others happy floods your body with stress hormones like cortisol. This can lead to burnout, anxiety or even physical illnesses like autoimmune disorders.

3. Resentment Builds: Agreeing to things you dislike breeds quiet frustration. Imagine lending money to a friend despite financial strain—it might “keep the peace,” but resentment often simmers beneath the surface.

Why We Learn to People-Please: Childhood Roots

Dr. Gabor Maté explains that people-pleasing often stems from a childhood dilemma: attachment vs. authenticity. As children we need love and safety (attachment) to survive. But if expressing our true feelings like anger or sadness risks rejection, we learn to hide those parts of ourselves.

For example: - A child who’s told to “stop crying” to avoid upsetting a parent learns to stifle emotions. - A teenager who molds their interests to fit in with peers sacrifices authenticity for acceptance.

This “tragic transaction,” as Maté calls it, teaches us to equate love with compliance. We carry this into adulthood fearing that setting boundaries or saying “no” will cost us relationships.

Breaking the Cycle: From Approval to Authenticity

Healing begins by understanding that “you can’t pour from an empty cup”. Here’s how to start:

1. Trace the Pattern: Reflect on childhood experiences where you felt your feelings were “too much.” Did you learn to silence yourself to stay connected? Awareness is the first step.

2. Practice Small “No’s”: Start with low-stakes situations. Decline an invitation you’re too tired for. Notice how the world doesn’t end and how it feels to honor your needs. Test the water.

3. Self-Compassion Over Self-Sacrifice: Replace guilt with kindness. Therapist Marianna Jaross suggests asking yourself, “What do I need right now?” as if you’re comforting a friend. What are my needs.

4. Relearn Safety: As adults, we can choose relationships where authenticity is welcomed. True connection thrives when you’re seen for who you are, not who others want you to be. Open a space for others to enter.

Final Thoughts

Maté’s work reminds us that choosing attachment over authenticity is a survival mechanism not a life sentence. While it protected us as children, it can now keep us stuck in fear. As therapist Candace Plattor puts it, “What’s lonelier than losing yourself to please others?”.

People-pleasing isn’t a flaw, it’s a coping strategy born from a deep need to belong. But healing is possible. By gently reclaiming your voice, you’ll find that the right relationships will grow stronger, and your mental health will thank you. As Maté says,

“The goal isn’t to reject connection, but to build it on a foundation of truth”.

Further Reading:

Dr. Gabor Maté’s - The Myth of Normal

Dr. Gabor Maté’s - When the Body Says No

This blog is my personal reflections upon my training and in no way should be used as a guide to ‘healing”

Always consult a with a healthcare professional for personalized guidance.