Understanding Attachment Styles in Relationships

Have you ever wondered why you react the way you do in relationships? Maybe you cling to your partner when they’re distant, or you pull away when things get too close. These patterns often trace back to childhood and the way we connected (or didn’t) with our caregivers shapes how we love as adults.

Psychologists like John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth first studied attachment styles, and today, experts like John Bradshaw and the Gottmans (Julie and John Gottman) help us understand how these styles play out in adult relationships.

Let’s break down the four main attachment styles and how they show up in love, plus how couples can work together to heal and meet each other’s needs.

Secure Attachment: The "I’m Okay, You’re Okay" Style

Roots in Childhood - Kids with secure attachment had caregivers who were consistently loving and responsive. Their needs were met, so they learned that relationships are safe.

In Adult Relationships:

• Comfortable with intimacy and independence.

• Communicates needs clearly.

• Handles conflict well (The Gottman’s calls these the "masters of relationships").

Example: If their partner needs space, they don’t panic. They trust the love is still there.

Anxious Attachment: The "Please Don’t Leave Me" Style

Roots in Childhood - Caregivers were inconsistent, sometimes loving, sometimes distant. The child learned to "chase" love to feel secure.

In Adult Relationships:

• Worries about abandonment.

• Needs constant reassurance.

• May become clingy or upset when partner is distant.

Example: Sending multiple texts if their partner doesn’t reply quickly, fearing they’re losing interest.

Avoidant Attachment: The "I Need Space" Style

Roots in Childhood - Caregivers were emotionally distant or dismissive. The child learned to rely on themselves and avoid vulnerability.

In Adult Relationships:

• Values independence over closeness.

• Struggles to open up emotionally.

• May pull away when things get too intimate.

Example: Shutting down during deep conversations or needing alone time after conflict.

Disorganized Attachment: The "I Want Love, But It Scares Me" Style

Roots in Childhood - Caregivers were unpredictable, sometimes loving, sometimes frightening (as John Bradshaw discusses in ‘Homecoming’). The child never knew what to expect.

In Adult Relationships:

• Craves love but fears it.

• May send mixed signals (pushing partner away, then pulling them close).

• Struggles with trust and emotional regulation.

Example: Getting upset when their partner is distant, but also feeling scared when they get too close.

How Couples Can Work Together

According to the Gottmans, the key to a strong relationship is understanding each other’s attachment needs.

Here’s how:

Identify Your Attachment Styles

• Talk about your childhoods. Did you feel safe? Ignored? Unpredictably loved?

• Recognize patterns: Do you withdraw? Chase? Feel confused in love?

Communicate with Compassion

• Anxious partners need reassurance. Instead of saying, "You’re too needy," try: "I love you. I just need some quiet time, and then we’ll talk."

• Avoidant partners need space without guilt. Instead of saying, "You’re so cold," try: "I miss you when you pull away. Can we find a balance?"

Create New, Secure Habits

• Rituals of connection (Gottman’s concept): Small daily habits, like a 6-second kiss or a bedtime chat to build security.

• Repair after fights: If you argue, reconnect quickly, this builds trust. (see Relationship Conflict - The Art of Repair)

Seek Help if Needed

Therapy, Yep Therapy is part of a strong relationship, not just the last resort. Seek therapy when you feel something is off or doesn’t feel right with your relationship, Just like seeing a Doctor when you don’t feel well, use a therapist like a check up. Remember the longer you walk off the path, the longer the journey back.

Final Thought: Love Can Heal

Our childhood shapes us, but it doesn’t have to define us. By understanding attachment styles, couples can move from "Why do you act like this?" to *"How can we love each other better?"

As John Bradshaw said, “We are not bad, we are wounded.” And with patience, love, and awareness, those wounds can heal.

What’s your attachment style? Have you noticed it in your relationships?

References:

John Bowlby & Mary Ainsworth (Attachment Theory)

Homecoming: Reclaiming Your Inner Child by John Bradshaw.

Making Marriage Work - Dr. John Gottman

This blog is my personal reflections upon my training and in no way should be used as a guide to ‘healing”

Always consult a with a healthcare professional for personalized guidance.